The Shift in Identity

Before children, we’re many things — a friend, a partner, a dreamer, someone with hobbies and goals. After birth, those roles seem to blur into one: mum. Society begins to see us that way, too. Every conversation revolves around feeding, naps, and milestones, and suddenly the person who used to exist before motherhood feels distant.

What Helped Me (and Others)

For a long time, I was desperate to get back to my old self — fit, strong, spontaneous. Eventually, I realised that wasn’t possible. My priorities had changed. Instead, I had to find ways to adapt. I trained at home when I could, went for long walks with the buggy to keep active, and focused on being healthy to care for my child.

We also started including our daughter from a very young age in the things we loved, like attending sports competitions and cheering my husband on. It worked in our favour — my daughter can now fall asleep in the noisiest places!

“It’s critical to stay in touch with the parts of you that you value,” one parent told me. “Identifying what you still want to do alone or together — and where you need your partner’s help and understanding — has been key.”

Another mum shared, “Sports help me find myself again. Being physically and mentally stronger makes you happier. My biggest support is my partner — he’s my therapy.” I learned to start small: to bring back one thing I used to love, to celebrate small wins (yes, I do give myself a sticker!).

Another valuable advice has been to ask for help and accept it without guilt. And most importantly, to find other mums who get it. That sense of connection is what built a new version of “me” — one that includes “mum,” but isn’t defined only by it.

The Friendship Fade

Our friends shape who we are, but those relationships often change after kids. Some fade quietly and naturally, because life simply looks different now. No more spontaneous meetups – they are replaced by bedtime routines, nap schedules, and early mornings. I used to feel guilty about the drift, but I realised something important: friendships in motherhood need intention.

What worked for me and others

Sometimes connection is just a quick message or a coffee after school drop-off. I love the story of two friends who started “Voice Note Fridays,” sending each other five-minute updates while cooking dinner. It’s imperfect, but sometimes, that’s enough. Now, I make a conscious effort to keep the bond alive, even if it means prioritising lunch with a friend over cleaning the bathroom.

One parent told me, “You make new friends with people in the same life stage.” Another added, “You must maintain the focus of the conversation on a variety of topics, not just your child.”

Keeping group chats alive or sending an honest message when you’re struggling can be a lifeline. Friends won’t always understand the chaos of parenthood, but most will surprise you with empathy when you let them in.

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The Hardest Part — Finding Time

Everyone says, “Make time for yourself,” but no one tells you where that time is supposed to come from. Between work, cooking, cleaning, and parenting, the hours melt away.

Tips That Made a Difference

I stopped waiting for big chunks of time and started using small windows - a 20-minute run or a quiet coffee in the garden. It is not much, but it adds up.

“I’ve identified the things that are a big part of me — reading, time with family, a weekly pint at the local — and prioritised these ahead of other things like Netflix or social drinks.”, said one dad. Another parent shared, “I had to put some activities aside and create new ways we could all connect and enjoy together.”

I listen to audiobooks or podcasts while cleaning or going to the store, which makes these chores almost enjoyable. Outsourcing small tasks helps too: online grocery shopping, cooking double portions, and freezing half for next week— all great tips from other mums. And maybe the most freeing lesson of all: letting go of perfect. The spotless house can wait. Peace matters more.

Becoming a parent changes everything, but it doesn’t have to erase you. You can love your children deeply and still miss who you were. Both can be true. The trick is to blend the two — to carry your past self into this new version of life. As one mum told me, “It is surely the best journey yet.”

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